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Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit



By Adam Cuneo

July 26, 2011 | ISSUE 47•30





Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, Dad, I'm gay, and so help me God, I am stronger than the both of you, and I won't hesitate to beat you back to the Stone Age if you give me any shit about this.



I know this must be tough for you. I understand this isn't how you expected your son to turn out, and I know you might be disappointed, but just remember that I go to the gym seven days a week and can bench-press 275 pounds easy. I take excellent care of my body, so while you can be upset, you better be careful and watch how you handle yourselves here, because if you so much as make a sarcastic remark or do anything to take advantage of how vulnerable I am right now, this will end ugly for the both of you.



Bottom line: I was born this way. It wasn't a choice. It was, however, a choice to develop huge biceps like this, so take a good long look at them before you think of uttering a hurtful or bigoted remark.



Look, I'm not naïve. I know how you feel about homosexuality, because you've been very clear on that subject in the past. That's why it took me so long to tell you. Dad, you've said some very hateful things, not considering for a second that I might be gay, and it hurt. Not nearly as much as it will hurt when I throw you across the room if you ever say any of those shitty things again, but it still stung.



I'm a gay man, and I'm proud of it. I'm also super fast and can lift you both over my head and slam you into the ground, no problem. I've recently incorporated kettlebells into my workout routine, and while I don't expect you to understand the physical impact they've had on my body, I can tell you I've put on at least 15 pounds of sheer muscle since the last time you saw me—certainly enough to take out two homophobic parents in their 60s. Mom, what do you weigh? One hundred fifteen pounds soaking wet? Well, it's going to take a lot more than that to bring me down, I'll tell you that much. I'm 2 percent body fat, have washboard abs, and can do 50 pull-ups in a row easy. Just remember that as we continue this conversation.



You want me to be happy, right? Because I can assure you, you don't want to see me unhappy.



Look, I think both of you have known in your heart of hearts that I was gay. You can deny it all you want, but if you try to do something stupid like convince me that I'm not a homosexual and that this is all somehow in my head, I'll put you in a Jujitsu hold where I can dislocate your shoulder with one little tug. I've been taking mixed martial arts classes at this place in the city, and I'm getting pretty good. I'm actually thinking about competing in a tournament in a few months. The point is, if I can make my opponents submit in less than a minute, imagine what I could do to two arthritic senior citizens. Dad, I love you. I've always craved your approval, but you don't move as fast as you used to. You know it and I know it.



You're probably wondering when this all started. Well, I think I've always known I was different, but in college, when I began to get pretty heavy into weight training and sculpting my hulking physique, I also began experimenting with my sexuality. Does this make you uncomfortable? Well, so will your ribs cracking in half and making it impossible to breathe right for three months, so just sit there and listen, because there's more.



I have been in a relationship with another man for the past two years. You've met him. His name is Tony, and he's not my roommate, he's my boyfriend. We're in love, and if I so much as see a pained expression cross your faces because you're imagining Tony and I together, or because you thought I would marry Jennifer—which was always a completely ridiculous notion—Mom, Dad, I'll literally take you down and start kneeing you in the stomach. I seriously will. Over and over again. Also, Tony is a little stronger than me so I definitely wouldn't mess with him, either.



Tony and I are probably going to get married. Dad? What was that? Were you about to say something? Were you about to open your stupid mouth and say something that could absolutely destroy me emotionally? I didn't think so. That's why I'm going to put you back on the ground now instead of throwing you into the china cabinet. And Mom, stop crying. It's just making me angrier.



Tony and I are going to adopt children. We're going to raise a family. You are going to have grandchildren, and you're going to love them. Dad, you're going to teach them all the things you taught me, and Mom, they're going to call you Grandma, and you are going to be so thrilled to be a major part of their lives that my being gay will be the last thing on your mind.



So come here right now and give me a hug or I'll knock your fucking heads off.

Miller-Coors can't sell during shutdown

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Updated: Wed, 7/13/2011 — 11:15am by John Hageman



If you're partial to Blue Moon, High Life or any of Miller-Coors' other 37 brands of beer, you may want to stock up.



Because its branding license wasn't renewed before the state government shutdown, Miller-Coors has to come up with a plan to pull its beer from bars and liquor stores in the coming days, according to KSTP.



Each alcohol brand has to pay a $30 branding fee, which is good for three years. Miller-Coors can't renew that license during the shutdown.



And if the shutdown extends into October, Anheuser Busch - the largest brewing company in the U.S. - will be forced to remove its stock from liquor store shelves and restaurant storage rooms.



In addition, bars and liquor stores that didn't renew their licensing fee before the shutdown face a dwindling supply of alcohol, according to the Star Tribune. About 300 of 10,000 establishments didn't renew their licenses before they expired June 30.



It's now the 13th day of the shutdown, with a budget deal seemingly nowhere in sight. Will coming liquor crisis will be the final push lawmakers need to make a deal? Only time will tell.

COMMENTS

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Abstract
07:04 Jul 14 2011

This is going to be one long summer...



Even more so if I can't get rum because of the state shutdown. >.>

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^my avatar



Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

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Vampirewitch39
21:43 Jul 10 2011

It's all you babe!! :D

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birra
21:49 Jul 10 2011

Awesome!

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PhoenicianDream
23:46 Jul 10 2011

Beaker! =D

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700-Pound Woman Makes a Career Out of Eating -- a Lot



By Lisa Johnson Mandell, Posted Jul 7th 2011 @ 6:21AM





Donna Simpson, a single mom in New Jersey, weighs 700 pounds and is trying to gain an additional 300 pounds so that she can claim and hold the Guinness World Records' title of World's Most Obese Woman. She says that she couldn't do it without the help of her 4-year-old daughter, who shops with her, helps her prepare food, and feeds her so that she can pile on additional pounds.



How does someone who relies on a 4-year-old and a reinforced scooter to get around make a living? Online, of course. Simpson pays for her $580-to-$750 per week eating habit plus other expenses by, basically, being overweight. She has a website, OfficialDonnaSimpson.com, geared toward "fat admirers," where people pay to see her eat and flaunt her flab.



She claims that she has 7,000 paying fans, and makes nearly $100,000 annually from the site, according to the Daily Mail. A three-day membership to her site goes for $7.95, and a one-month membership costs $19.95. For that you get to see videos like "Squashing," "Blue Dress" and "Eating a Pie" plus access to more than 270 photos. She believes the record she holds as Heaviest Woman to Give Birth sets her apart from other big women with similar sites.

Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who enjoy watching Simpson eat. She says that they even send her fattening food like protein shake powder to help her beef up quickly. "It makes people happy, and I'm not harming anyone," she says.



Except herself: She suffers from diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease, plus it's very difficult for her to go anywhere. And then there's the example she might be setting for her daughter, Jacqueline, who Simpson claims prefers healthy foods, like salad, and is active in sports.



You might wonder about the birth of her daughter. It took a team of 30 medical professionals to deliver her during a high-risk Caesarean. She is the daughter of Simpson's former long-term partner, Phillipe Gouamba, from whom she recently split. Simpson told the Daily Mail that she's looking for a new partner to help feed her the 15,000 calories per day she requires, so he can relieve her daughter of those weighty responsibilities.



Simpson has been married before and also has a 15-year-old son. She says that both her partners loved her largeness, and did their best to contribute to it. Her first husband was a chef who brought her leftovers when he came home late at night, according to Wikipedia. Her next partner, she hopes will be "handsome, slim and at least 10 years younger than me," she told the Daily Mail.



Don't be surprised to see media-hungry takers who fit those requirements lining up for the position. They might well appreciate the television face-time they could get from a reality show that could be in the works any minute now.

COMMENTS

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PhoenicianDream
00:56 Jul 09 2011

What the hell? That's insane.

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MooniePie
01:00 Jul 09 2011

She is so nasty. Just beyond wrong for putting her daughter in this position.

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Morrigon
01:19 Jul 09 2011

Fine. Do whatever. But don't take away the childhood of your offspring because you're reduced to a fat giant baby.

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PAGAN
21:01 Jul 10 2011

OMG. her poor child... I have no sympathy for the woman and her illnesses, including her mental health issues which are obvious, despite her claims to like herself, there is something far wrong with that kind of mentality. Not to mention the strain on medical resources.

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